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| Jealousy... jealousy leads to fear. Fear leads to hate. Hatred leads to the dark side. Which is exactly were I'm headed. Seems as each day passes, each sun rise and sun set all I do is just ended up angrier, more cynical of the world. Unfortunately, being unemployed has giving me time to think and I have been pondering all the things I do and why I do them. I try to do the right thing for people. I try to fight for good people in the world, but why? What has doing the right thing gotten me all these years? I'm not even the hero in my own story anymore. I've turned into the mentor. A easily used and forgotten old fool that heroes go and toss aside once they've got what they needed. Am I really destined to be walk this world alone, and unappreciated, waiting for the next "hero" to come along that needs my help with something? What satisfaction am I to find with that? And the world wonders why good people are so hard to find anymore these days... Well hell look how society treats us. Nothing more than a tool to be used then stored into a drawer till the next person needs us. What good, what change, what help have I really been? So I've lost sleep to help people talk out their problems, or lent a shoulder for people to cry on. So I dropped what I was doing when people called to give a helping hand. Spent hours on the phone or online consoling people. What was it all for? They've all gone on to eventually find happiness in their lives and I'm damn sure it was not because of me. Show me a person whose life would still be a wreck if not for me. Hmmmm... I tell you now I doubt you will. So once again I pose the question why help people? Why should I feel compelled to do good? I know for sure it's not for personal gain, because I'm living proof there is none in doing the right thing. If it's self gratitude I should feel, well, that's long gone. Self gratitude or self satisfaction is like using a drug, Feels great when you using it, you feel on top the world, but when no one needs you or no one wants you it's like the walls close in fiend to be wanted... to be needed.
Which I guess is where it all stems out from. A want to be wanted. A want to be needed in live. When an event comes along where good can be done you're wanted, people want you. But it's not a want as in friendship, or in a relationship. No, it's on the lines of the want people would have for an ice cream cone. They want it, they have it, it makes them feel better, their done with it. Which doesn't really feed my own needs. Sure I get a short fix, but it's only temporary. But I suppose that brings up the question of then who would want me for something other than an opportunity to do good? Who would want me for me and just want me cause they know I'd perform a service or would have something to gain from me? Who out there would actually enjoy my company, enjoy me for who I am? Right now, I'd have to say very few if anyone at all... else why would I feel the way I do?
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| It happens after every semester. I run myself so ragged, my nerves are shot, I don't eat right, I don't sleep well and I pretty much run the last week or so of the semester on fumes and adrenaline. Then it happens, I get home and I can finally relax and I get sick... Welp, this last semester was no different and I've been suffering from something since Tuesday. Whats worse is I can't sleep with this because of the damn congested cough associated with it. So I look/feel like shite. All I know is hopefully the doc can sneak me in tomorrow sometime and I can figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
In other news I have finally graduated college. Even though I do not get my degree until late June, grades are in and I have passed with honors. It's strange though I do not feel any different. I do not feel empowered, or a sense of self accomplishment. It just felt like another day. They say it won't hit me till fall when you realize you're not going back. But I don't know really if I'll be that affected. I was done with college a year ago when most of my other friends graduated and started their lives. There are things I am going to miss. My friends and colleagues for one. Never do I think I'll ever be surrounded by so many of that same age and interests. I will miss the late nights in lab. I will miss the legacy of being John Nye and the respect that came with it amongst other things...
But for now my slate has been cleared, and I'm pretty much starting off anew and with nothing more than 5 years worth of knowledge and a piece of paper claiming I know shite.
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| Tomorrow marks the final countdown towards graduation. As I write this at 2 am after, once again, coming home alone after a party. In two weeks my college career will come to an end. Sadly though, I will have a few good memories but nothing to really show for anything. There will not be that many life long connections that I've made. Next fall will mark the two year anniversary of me being single and sadly enough not having really any luck with the female race in that time. I have worked my ass off with despite the lonliness, the lack of human interaction, and not really experiencing what college has to offer I will have some pride in the work I've done and the knowledge I've gained. But to what extent is it really worth celebrating? Yay, I get to pack up all my stuff and start the real world, where day in and day out I get to spend working my ass off. Meeting new people will get harder and harder. Already I have the feeling I'm destined to be nothing more than a machine. Seems all that I'm good at...
Hope... they say people thrive on hope... but what hope do I really have?
Goodnight all... best wishes to those who have someone to share their hearts with tonite... and likewise that those who do not will find someone soon...
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First, the darkness creeps in. Slowly and slowly it clouds
your vision. Then one by one things go wrong. Even the littlest thing irritates
you. Soon work is the only means of a distraction you have. The only comfort is
the warmth of a glowing computer screen. You find yourself alone, unwanted, a
social reject… Finally hope is lost. There is nothing more for you to look
forward to in the day and you lose meaning in your life. You become inhuman, a
machine to carry out the meager tasks society has laid out before you. Woe is
an understatement, despair is a joke, and depression becomes more than a
disease. Yet you place a mask on every morning and carry on day in and day out
for what, a glorified flipbook that determines your future occupation? A lousy
alphabetical character that is to apparently rank your work amongst your peers
in the eyes of subjective, judgmental ex-professionals? A piece of parchment that is to show to the
world that you have gain some sort of knowledge in the past four, five, six
years and are supposed to be able to recall it at will?
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Nothing like a rainy, dreary Sunday to be in the print lab. Unbeknown to most people, hell, even most designers, is the time it actually takes to print large format/poster size designs out. Needless to say I've engaged myself into attempting to print out about fifteen of these behemoths for a client I'm doing a side job for. Thus, giving me time to waste, so to speak. Seeing as I've have a couple things on my mind as of late, now seems like a good time to get them off my chest. First would be that I've noticed that I have a lot of "foul-weathered" friends. Now, I understand the term is supposed to be "fair-weather" friends, and it's supposed to mean something along the lines of people who only seem to be your friends when your life is going great. This is not the case for me, but it's close. I have friends who only seems to be, what I would consider a friend, when their life is in shambles or when something has gone wrong or when the weather of their life has gone foul. There is, of course, exceptions to the rule, and I have other friends who do not fall into this category, but it seems a majority of them hold true to this tradition. Then, of course, when things work out, they get their heads above water, etc, I hardly hear from them... Communication halts, message are left unanswered, and invitations are rare and it saddens me some days to sit and think about all those whom come and gone or when I, by happenstance, run into them somewhere.
The other major thing that I've been pondering over is this: (and all of you who read this please, please take this into consideration) The fact that you are lonely is no basis or foundation for a relationship. There is more to it than that. I've broken it down into a single question you can ask yourself if you feel your currently guilty of this crime. Now seriously, sit down and think to yourself
do you actually LOVE the person you are with or do they just fill the hole in your life?
Not knowing the answer to this only hurts the situation and don't be afraid to ask yourself why? We all get lonely people. It happens. As humans we have a need to feel loved. A needed to feel wanted by others. But I can tell you this now, that need shouldn't be the only reason you're with a person and if you cannot come up with any good reasons why your with someone, chances are you only with them because you do not wish to be lonely. And on that note:
The fact that the other person in the relationship "makes you happy" is not a good reason for you to be with them.
A sandwich can bring you happiness, a hooker can bring you happiness, a cigarette can bring you happiness, shoe shopping can bring you happiness, but you wouldn't go and profess your love to these "things." I say things in air quotes because when you state the other person makes you happy you're practically turning them into an object with a job to do. No, I take that back. You are turning them into an object with a job to do and really your significant other's job is not to provide you with happiness. Now before you start to huff and puff and call me an ass, here me out. I'm not trying to say that a significant other is to bring you pain either (that would be putting words into my mouth). I'm merely trying to say is that it's the things the person does, or things about the person that should bring you joy when your with them, their company, their counsel, their goods and bads, their little idiosyncrasies, what have you, should be the reason you're with them. It should be the reasons why you respect them, would go through hell for them, love them...
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